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This is for her();

  • January 4, 2018

What a bullshit, wannabe, romantic sentiment, right? It is… and $she likes it. ERROR variable $she not defined.

I remember watching, “An American Tale” where the song, “Somewhere Out There” made me AGGRESSIVELY uncomfortable. Maybe it’s because my mom sung it with Timmy (family friend)? Probably not, very likely not, it was beautiful in its own way. But… it’s funny to make jokes, right (story of my life)? ๐Ÿ˜€

Anyway, I find myself $somewhere;, tonight.

I can’t be more descriptive than that. I mean, this is my blog, if I had var_dump() data, I’d share it. But, I’ve got nothin’. I just find myself longing. Yearning for her();. A complex function written by the hands of the D1v!n3.

But, unlike the pre, post and post post pubescent versions of mySelf();, I feel different. I feel out of control. At the mercy of the system. Weak. Pathetic. Scared. Kernel panic – not syncing…

I think it’s time for a firmware update. One that’s long overdue.

It’s time to kill myself. PUT THE FUCKING PHONE DOWN! I’m not talking about myself but mySelf();.

I’ve scanned past relationship logs. Identified vulnerabilities. And, found the common denominator. The single point of failure.

I like to think I have an above average imagination and an even stronger denial reflex. But, tonight… neither aptitude can help me idle. There’s a rogue process stealing resources that must be killed: oldSelf();.

The only channel to success I know is iteration. Try, fail, try again, fail, try again. I iterate like a son of a bitch. And, I iterate well. Rinse and repeat.

If you encounter a bad sector, mark it for recovery. If recovery fails, pretend the sector doesn’t exist.

I remember my mother remarking on that function years ago. The ignore is strong with this one.

But, at the end of the day. When you’ve run your routine to delete all unnecessary files, scan for viruses, defrag the disk, and still detect corrupt sectors. Corrupt sectors you can’t ignore.

You realize. You’re infected with malware. A program whose only purpose is to scan your system for vulnerabilities that can be exploited and then executes malicious code to use them against you.

Sure… I’m smart. I’m “talented.” I could make a case that I’m not 100% responsible for my repeated relationship system failure. That it’s someone else’s fault. My parents, a friend, my environment, my programming. ANYTHING… but NOT ME.

It’d be very Brian Avery Shoff Sr. of me to claim it. His software wasn’t updated until he was infected by the cancer.d virus. Only then did he appreciate his iteration.

I downloaded a lot of data that needs tossed from my hard drive to the recycle bin. But, he was right about (at least) one thing. Play the drums! Just … press … play. Execute. $kitPreference = ‘Pearl’; My daughter, Harleigh Quinn Shoff, has taught me something similarly amazing.

Your progeny, especially during the early years, are forced to love you. Much like a dog who dares not bite the hand that feeds. Despite your sub-optimal programming.

Here’s this beautiful human that (especially as a male) you can claim so little responsible for creating. Yet, you’re gifted with being able to hold her. To look her in her eyes during her inaugural minutes of life and say, “I’m your Daddy.”

It’s an amazing feeling to update your love(); function. Especially, if you have trouble running it on your personal system.

It’s a temporary luxury because I’m told that once kids hit 3+ years they’re little bastards. I tend to believe this to be true as Harleigh is around 2 years, 4 months and is “feeling herself.” She’s pushing the limitations of her operating environment, while the parent and grandparent sysadmins do their best to compensate for the surge in activity.

It’s quite an experience to be a slave to a toddler, isn’t it? That is what it is to be a parent.

And, through that process, I was inspired to rewrite mySelf();. The love(); library has been integrated. It’s established a persistent backdoor. A backdoor that I don’t want to close.

Through this vulnerability (of sorts), I learned I need to rewrite my own firmware so my software will run better. I’ve been brute forcing something that can never be cracked. The password is simple, “I’m sorry. I love you.”

And the best thing about machine code is… it’s on… or off. Deception is an illusion. A subroutine that’s easily uncovered. Malware… (not so) easily removed.

Thanks to love();, my system is running better and maybe one day I’ll understand peace();. I know. I know. Walk before you run. ๐Ÿ˜‰

So what’s my point?

Sure… I am a wannabe Sam Esmail. There’s no denying that. If I allowed myself more time, I like to think I’d tune up the metaphor.

But, if you can believe it, I didn’t expect to get all “Mr. Robot” about this. Though, like Elliot, I do tend to get lost in myself.

I just wanted to spend tonight thinking about her();. The complex function that I hope will integrate into my system. (If you know what I’m sayin’, hahahaha. Maybe not.)

Regardless, I’ve been practicing a random set of songs for a little while. I brought some audio equipment home that allowed me to capture it and, though anything but perfect, I did it all for her();.

The last song was pleasantly interrupted by my daughter. Though it’s never happened before, I’m guessing she awoke to my playing, and surprised me during the last song saying, “Up.” This means… “pick me up” and when HQ wants “up” you listen and she was the hands that played the closing song (with Daddy’s guidance). ๐Ÿ™‚ That was the cherry on top.

So… without further delay and convoluted metaphor… the drum set I practice that I hope to play on my wedding.

It’s not amazing. But, neither am I. $she; will get it, though. ๐Ÿ˜‰

This is the public release of Shoffy v1.1.6.

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